Sunshine, on a Cloudy Day

The title of this post has nothing to do with it’s contents.  But…today was a very sunny, yet cloudy day, so I find the words fitting.

I realized something today.  Throughout my time here, I’ve always been blessed with something to look forward to.  When you make a major life change like this…there are good days and bad.  But, on the bad days, I’ve always had hope, and almost always had joy. 

When I first moved and was living in my sister’s garage (I still cannot believe I did that…those of you that know me know that I’m VERY particular about certain things…) I had plans to make for my new apartment.  I knew that living in the garage was just a season, and I spent time making plans…shopping for new things to fill my kitchen cupboards, and mentally arranging pictures on the walls.  When I was tired, and missing home, I focused on the new home I would build in my new apartment. 

I moved into my apartment just a few weeks before Christmas.  I didn’t have a tree (no time really…I had just moved).  It was dark all the time and my apartment was very bare for a while.  There were days that I was sad.  On New Year’s Eve, I was at home asleep by 10 pm (quite the opposite from my “old” life).  Around this time, I found out that my cousin Amy was coming to visit in March.  I counted the days…and I will never forget how happy I was when she got off that plane. 

Amy’s visit came and went, and I had other things to look forward to.  Sure, there were some disappointments along the way (like the sudden need to purchase a new car) and some bumps in the road (okay, it was a tree actually) but even those “less than great” days were filled with hope.  My mom visited in May, I made a quick trip to TX just a few days after that, and then Steph came to visit in June. 

I have many things to look forward to this summer.  I’m making a trip to TX in July.  My cousin Amy (she IS fabulous) is coming to visit again in September, and I’m hoping to spend some extended time at home with family around the holidays.  I’ve been blessed with new friends and I am getting more involved in my church.  I still don’t have a “group” here the way I did in TX…but I’m working on it. 

I finally feel like I’ve let go of my “old” life to fully live a “new” life.  (Note: I’m not saying that I am trying to be a different person, or live a different life, I’m just referring to myself “pre move”.) 

I had to let go of some things and grasp on to others.  When I first got here I visited church after church trying to find one that reminded me of my “old” church.  I didn’t find it.  However, I did find a new church that I love.  I’m fed there, and ministered to.  And, just as important, I have a place to serve.  I hoped that I would find a group of friends to immediately fit in with, and I didn’t.  But, I have been blessed with people that I am so genuinely fond of that I feel like they could be friends for life. 

What I finally had to admit to myself is that I didn’t move to recreate my Texas life in Alaska.  I moved to be pushed OUT of my comfort zone.  To grow.  To be broken.  I still feel like I was within God’s will to move here…but my reasoning was off.  I moved for excitement, change, adventure.  I feel that God saw greater things than adventure.  HE knew that the real reason was found in the temporary loneliness and fear.  HE knew that the brokenness was the real reason.  And, I’m glad that he allowed it to happen.

You know, in retrospect, maybe this title had more to do with the thoughts in this post than I thought.