The Year of WHAT?

Do you remember this post about the Year of Sexy?

Well…the plan worked well for a while.  I embraced it.  I worked it…as much as I ever work anything.

And then a few months ago it all when in the toilet. 

NO MORE.

The YOS is back on!

More than anything…let this serve as a warning.  There is really no limit to what I’m capable of when I’m really trying to embrace my inner sexy.

Coming Soon!

I’m working on a few new blog posts. It almost seems that life has been to confusing and complex and hard and wonderful to put into words recently. But I’ll try. And I’ll have a few new posts this week!

A Post With Uncomfortable Words

I sent the following via text message to a friend this afternoon…

“Romantic comedies = Emotional porn for single women”

Now, I would like to mention here that I hate the word “PORN”.  There are certain words that just bother me.  I also hate the word “CRABBY”.  I have a friend that hates the word “PANTIES”.  And another friend that hates the word “POO”. 

Due to my hatred of the word “PORN”…I will substituted the words “DIRTY MOVIES”.

Never fear, this post isn’t about words I hate. 

It’s about (unrealistic) ideals.

For instance, I was having a conversation with a male friend recently, and in the course of this lengthy conversation, I mentioned that “dirty movies” and even mainstream movies with scantily clad women frolicking to and fro gave men unrealistic expectations of what women look like without clothes on.  He agreed. 

But I’m not here to talk about “dirty movies” for men.

I’m here to talk about the female and emotional equivalent of the “dirty movie”. 

Fairy tales.

Romantic comedies.

Happily ever after.

We are ENCOURAGED at a young age to embrace the “dirty movie”.  Think about it…Cinderella…Sleeping Beauty…they are unhappy…find love…and in turn…find happiness. Their lives are “broken” until they find a man to “fix” it for them. 

All wrapped up in a tidy “happily ever after” package.

Am I overanalyzing things here?  Perhaps. 

Very rarely do the people that make these fine movies show us what happens AFTER the “happily ever after”.  When she gains weight and he starts leaving his dirty socks all around their apartment.  She comes home from work after a bad day and he doesn’t even look up from the TV to say anything supportive.  He yells, she yells, etc.

Do romantic comedies give women the same unrealistic expectations about love that “dirty movies” give men about women physically? 

Are we, as women, fracturing current and potential relationships with what we think they “should be”?

Do we compare our relationships against those relationships portrayed in movies and decide that they are doomed to fail? 

Is our idea of romance dictated to us by these “dirty movies”? 

I think so!

For example:

What is your definition of romance? 

Mine includes the following…someone cooking dinner for me (How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days), dancing under the stars (The Wedding Planner), etc etc etc. 

And here is where it gets deep…

Sometimes I feel doomed to fail in a relationship because I can’t possibly measure up physically to the women that men are bombarded with in movies, TV, and advertisements daily. 

Do men feel the same way?  Do we oohhhhh and aahhhhh so much while watching romantic comedies that they feel doomed to fail and have subsequently STOPPED TRYING? 

Food for thought.

My Label

I voiced a concern to a friend a few days ago that she quickly dismissed.  Although it was somewhat affirming to know that my concern was apparently unwarranted, the mild fear of the situation stuck with me for a few days.

I worry that when I move back to TX that no one will recognize me.

I look the same.  I walk the same.  I talk the same. 

And I’m the same person… Mostly.

But in many concrete and significant ways, I have changed.  And I worry that these changes will make it far more difficult to reinsert myself into my life there.  I’ve kept in touch with several close friends, and I get more excited daily about seeing them and being a part of their lives.  But as for my “friend groups”…I’m not a part of most of those groups anymore.

And I worry about how I’ll fit in.  Perhaps it would be easier if I came with a warning label…notifying people of the changes, the differences, the improvements, and the new weaknesses.  Then at least they wouldn’t be caught off guard.

The warning label would read a little something like this…

I’m more casual.  More open-minded and more relaxed.  I’m sometimes still afraid but more sure of myself than I’ve ever been.  I’m more honest.  And I would like to think that I’m also more authentic.  I’m healthy.  I like myself more than I have in years.  I’m more active.  I suddenly now need more “me” time.  I’m less of a “peace-maker”.  In some ways, I’m less fun.  I’m more family oriented.  I’m still short.  I make myself a priority. 

The list could go on for days…but I’ll leave it there. 

Because I think you probably get the picture.  These aren’t bad things.  In fact, many of them are positive…but positive change is still change…and I wonder how this change will affect my existing relationships. 

I’m not expecting to land in Dallas and immediately have the type of community I had when I left.  That notion is unrealistic on a variety of levels…because, not only have I changed, but everyone else has changed too.  I do not expect to immediately insert myself into people’s lives in the same way that I enjoyed before…but I hope that there is still a place for me there.  A community.  A life.

A Memory

Saturday afternoon I picked up my niece.  She was staying with me for the evening because her sister was having friends spend the night to celebrate her 13^th birthday and they wanted the “little sister” out of the way. 

We did nothing special.  No planned activities.  Primarily I drug her around Anchorage with me as I ran errands.  She accompanied me to the mall to return a dress and I let her spend a dollar in the arcade and buy candy at the fancy candy store.  We went to the post office.  We got groceries and cooked frozen pizza and cookies.

Aunt Davita was exhausted so we went to bed around 10pm.  I let her keep the TV on watching cartoons for awhile, but we both fell asleep in my big king-sized bed pretty quickly.  I woke up around midnight and her sweaty little feet were pressing into my back and she was easily taking up 90% of the bed.  I’m still not exactly sure how someone so small accomplished that…but she did.

Sunday morning we watched cartoons and had donuts for breakfast.  We drove around and looked for garage sales.  We got an ice cream and then I took her home.

It was a very good day.  And a day that, as I move and these times become far less frequent, I will always remember with a smile.

Current Actions

Well…Current actions indicate that I’ve lost my flippin’ mind.  Some might argue that I never started out with much sanity…but I assure you that I’ve inexplicably lost what I had left. 

Let me explain.  Prepare yourself.  This could be…ahem…embarrassing…

For me, not you.

Situations of late are such that I feel that I am ready for a relationship.  A real, live, exclusive relationship.  I’ve spent the last 18 months cleaning out a lot of “trash” from my life, I feel like I have a lot to give, and I’m ready to jump in.

I do not classify myself as being “desperate”.  Because I’m not!  I’m happy with my life.  I love where I’m at (and where I’m going).  But I feel like I’m ready to share that with someone.  Instead of “desperate”…I think I’m “ready”. 

Problem # 1 – Lack of viable options.  This speaks for itself, yes?  Additionally…I do not want to date Alaskans…b/c I’m moving.  Obviously that would be irresponsible.

Problem # 2 – My own apathy.  I’ve thought about signing up for eHarmony…but I took one look at the 23512353125 question long quiz I would have to fill out regarding my “dimensions of compatibility”…and I almost fell asleep.  I’m not ruling it out…but right now…it’s not real high up on my list of potential ways to snag a man. 

Problem # 3 – My very concrete self-esteem issues.  One can only expect to be treated as well as they treat themselves.  I’m working on treating myself better…so that I can put my best foot forward and bring my best “self” to a potential relationship.  Historically, I handicap myself in a potential relationship before interest even has a chance to develop.  This is part of the “trash” I’m trying to remove from my life.  I feel better that I’ve felt in YEARS.

You may be wondering at this point…WHY is she telling me this?  I’m kind of wondering the same thing. 

The answer?  Because this could be really entertaining. 

I’m going to keep you informed of the process.  The good… The bad… And yes my friends, the ugly. 

I’ve taken two steps so far. 

-I’m making all of my close girl-friends set me up on blind dates.  I like to call it FriendHarmony.  BECAUSE…no one knows me better than these girls and they already know my “dimensions of compatibility”.  Furthermore, it’s free.  Free is good.  I’ve given my friends my list of “likes” and “dislikes”…most importantly the desire I have to find someone who is a Christian growing in their faith and encourages me to do so as well.

-I’m pimping myself out on a website about vegetables.  What?  That doesn’t make sense to you?  Read this…and maybe it will.

I may not provide an update on this for a while, because as you know, I’m moving and preparation for that is my main focus right now.  BUT…  When these blind dates do start to happen…I’m going to update you on THAT.  I’ll change names to protect the innocent (or in some cases, the guilty)…but I’ll be as transparent as possible…and regardless of the success or failure of “Operation: Put Yourself Out There”…you will be in the know.

It may seem like a strange time to be pursing this very random “project”.  You know…being that there is so much change in my life these days.  But hey…if not TODAY.  When?  I’m choosing to love in the moment. 

Because…yes…I HAVE NO SHAME.

Things I Think I Think

I’ve tried to sit in front of my computer and start a blog post several times over the past week.  My thoughts at this juncture in my life are scattered and, at times, overwhelming.  So many things to do…so many decisions to make…  And I’m overwhelmed. 

One theme has been constant throughout these tumultuous weeks of my life.  And I think it’s a theme that deserves mentioning on this blog.

I have the best friends in the entire world.

Seriously.

I don’t know what I did to deserve these women in my life.  But I’m thankful.

And in this moment I would like to take the time to mention a few people specifically.  Is this an exhaustive list of the women in my life that minister to me regularly?  No.  I have so many special, dear friends that a complete list would be impossible. 

A.H.- You have made me laugh so many times over the past few months.  And laughter is something that I dearly need.  You inspire me with your bravery and your energy.  You live life every moment of every day and that is enviable.  You inspire me to believe in myself.  Thank you.

M.J.G.- What can I say?  Alaska wouldn’t be the same without you.  And by that…I mean that I’m not sure that Alaska would have been livable without you.  You have been a source of encouragement these past few months that is very appreciated…and I’m really, REALLY glad that you will be in TX soon too.  You inspire me to be a better person.  Thank you.

A.C.- You are not only a friend, but also family.  I know myself better because I know you.  You inspire me.  You love in a way that humbles me.  And someday, when I grow up, I hope I’m just like you.  I love you!  Thank you.

A.B.S.- We have been friends for almost 25 years.  That is a really…REALLY…long time.  It kind of makes me feel old…but I love you anyway.  I feel that the circumstances in our lives that brought us “back together” were in no way “coincidence”.  I thank God for you often.  Thank you for always being a source of encouragement. 

H.H.- What can I say?  I’m a big, big fan of you.  And honestly, if you had told me a year ago that our friendship would be where it is now…I’m not sure I would have believed that.  You have a way of making me laugh…and that is something I love about you.  Also, you have given me some excellent advice over the past few weeks and months, and you have been a sounding board for my emotions, no matter how trivial.  Thank you.

Suzi D.- There are no words that can describe what you mean to me…but it seems that I’m going to try anyway.  I love you, and I love your family.  You are beautiful, graceful, and you have displayed a faith of the past six months that inspires me.  And as you have walked these broken paths in your own life you have continued to be such a source of encouragement to me.  You are an amazing woman.  Thank you for letting me be a part of your life and I look forward to continuing to learn from you.

D.D.W.P.- If it wasn’t for the alphabet…  Right?  You are a very special woman.  You are honest, and compassionate, beautiful, and kind.  I miss you so much…and I can’t wait to see you again.  Your mother would be so very proud of the Godly woman that you have become.  And your advice and encouragement throughout the move and job search process have been invaluable.  Thank you. 

Ladies.  I’m a better person for having known you.

It was the best of times…

And yet…maybe the worst too?

I’m excited about moving to Texas.  I dream about it.  The thought of being closer to my family and friends again is quite exciting. 

And then I look up.  And see the mountains.  And the ocean.  And I’m sad.

I’m choosing to leave this place.  Am I crazy? 

And then…I think of my sister.  And her children.  And it almost brings me to tears. 

Will I be able to leave them too?  Will they ever forgive me? 

These are the thoughts that I wrestle with as I make this move.  These are the things that weigh on my heart.  And although the stress at times is palpable, I have peace about this decision.  And I know it will be okay.

And they probably will forgive me.

Testing Testing

Attempting to update my blog from my phone. Let’s see if this works!!!

Diet-Related Realizations

I realized something this weekend.  It’s profound.  (Obvious sarcasm inserted here.)

No matter how long I diet…  Regardless of the amount of miles I walk, challenging hikes I take, or hip-rolls I do in pilates…  If I count calories, points, fat grams, or carbohydrates…

I will always have the face of a vintage Cabbage Patch Doll. 

And, you know, I think that’s okay.  Maybe kind of special even.